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Title: all this that is more than a wish is a memory
Author name: 100indecisions on AO3
Characters/Pairing: Loki & Steve Rogers, very gradually working in a Steve/Loki direction
Fandom/Universe: MCU
Rating: R for violence
Word count: ~26,000
Warnings: Violence and resulting injuries, medical experimentation/torture, suicidal thoughts, dehumanization (these are the main ones, but each chapter will have additional warnings when relevant)
Summary: Direct sequel to let me see you stripped down to the bone, in which the soldier with the star-spangled shield became a weapon for the other side, and decades later, the false prince fell from the sky and became their experiment. The soldier and the prince were never supposed to meet—but they did, and together they escaped from HYDRA. This is what happens next. (Or, the AU where Steve is the Winter Soldier and Loki’s a HYDRA guinea pig, and things are generally awful.)

Rogers drives in silence for a whileCollapse )
Title: all this that is more than a wish is a memory
Author name: 100indecisions on AO3
Characters/Pairing: Loki & Steve Rogers, very gradually working in a Steve/Loki direction
Fandom/Universe: MCU
Rating: R for violence
Word count: ~26,000
Warnings: Violence and resulting injuries, medical experimentation/torture, suicidal thoughts, dehumanization (these are the main ones, but each chapter will have additional warnings when relevant)
Summary: Direct sequel to let me see you stripped down to the bone, in which the soldier with the star-spangled shield became a weapon for the other side, and decades later, the false prince fell from the sky and became their experiment. The soldier and the prince were never supposed to meet—but they did, and together they escaped from HYDRA. This is what happens next. (Or, the AU where Steve is the Winter Soldier and Loki’s a HYDRA guinea pig, and things are generally awful.)

He has enough magic left for a single burst of powerCollapse )
Title: all this that is more than a wish is a memory
Author name: 100indecisions on AO3
Characters/Pairing: Loki & Steve Rogers, very gradually working in a Steve/Loki direction
Fandom/Universe: MCU
Rating: R for violence
Word count: ~26,000
Warnings: Violence and resulting injuries, medical experimentation/torture, suicidal thoughts, dehumanization (these are the main ones, but each chapter will have additional warnings when relevant)
Summary: Direct sequel to let me see you stripped down to the bone, in which the soldier with the star-spangled shield became a weapon for the other side, and decades later, the false prince fell from the sky and became their experiment. The soldier and the prince were never supposed to meet—but they did, and together they escaped from HYDRA. This is what happens next. (Or, the AU where Steve is the Winter Soldier and Loki’s a HYDRA guinea pig, and things are generally awful.)

For a fraction of a second, it actually does feel like something he can understandCollapse )
Title: all this that is more than a wish is a memory
Author name: 100indecisions on AO3
Characters/Pairing: Loki & Steve Rogers, very gradually working in a Steve/Loki direction
Fandom/Universe: MCU
Rating: R for violence
Word count: ~26,000
Warnings: Violence and resulting injuries, medical experimentation/torture, suicidal thoughts, dehumanization (these are the main ones, but each chapter will have additional warnings when relevant)
Summary: Direct sequel to let me see you stripped down to the bone, in which the soldier with the star-spangled shield became a weapon for the other side, and decades later, the false prince fell from the sky and became their experiment. The soldier and the prince were never supposed to meet—but they did, and together they escaped from HYDRA. This is what happens next. (Or, the AU where Steve is the Winter Soldier and Loki’s a HYDRA guinea pig, and things are generally awful.)

"So," Rogers saysCollapse )
Title: all this that is more than a wish is a memory
Author name: 100indecisions on AO3
Characters/Pairing: Loki & Steve Rogers, very gradually working in a Steve/Loki direction
Fandom/Universe: MCU
Rating: R for violence
Word count: ~26,000
Warnings: Violence and resulting injuries, medical experimentation/torture, suicidal thoughts, dehumanization (these are the main ones, but each chapter will have additional warnings when relevant)
Summary: Direct sequel to let me see you stripped down to the bone, in which the soldier with the star-spangled shield became a weapon for the other side, and decades later, the false prince fell from the sky and became their experiment. The soldier and the prince were never supposed to meet—but they did, and together they escaped from HYDRA. This is what happens next. (Or, the AU where Steve is the Winter Soldier and Loki’s a HYDRA guinea pig, and things are generally awful.)

Loki wakes graduallyCollapse )
Title: all this that is more than a wish is a memory
Author name: 100indecisions on AO3
Characters/Pairing: Loki & Steve Rogers, very gradually working in a Steve/Loki direction
Fandom/Universe: MCU
Rating: R for violence
Word count: ~26,000
Warnings: Violence and resulting injuries, medical experimentation/torture, suicidal thoughts, dehumanization (these are the main ones, but each chapter will have additional warnings when relevant)
Summary: Direct sequel to let me see you stripped down to the bone, in which the soldier with the star-spangled shield became a weapon for the other side, and decades later, the false prince fell from the sky and became their experiment. The soldier and the prince were never supposed to meet—but they did, and together they escaped from HYDRA. This is what happens next. (Or, the AU where Steve is the Winter Soldier and Loki’s a HYDRA guinea pig, and things are generally awful.)

Loki lies still, too full of sick exhaustion to sleepCollapse )
Title: all this that is more than a wish is a memory
Author name: 100indecisions on AO3
Beta name: lizardbeth_j on LJ, lizardbeth on AO3
Characters/Pairing: Loki & Steve Rogers, very gradually working in a Steve/Loki direction
Fandom/Universe: MCU
Rating: R for violence
Word count: ~26,000
Warnings: Violence and resulting injuries, medical experimentation/torture, suicidal thoughts, dehumanization (these are the main ones, but each chapter will have additional warnings when relevant)
Summary: Direct sequel to let me see you stripped down to the bone, in which the soldier with the star-spangled shield became a weapon for the other side, and decades later, the false prince fell from the sky and became their experiment. The soldier and the prince were never supposed to meet—but they did, and together they escaped from HYDRA. This is what happens next. (Or, the AU where Steve is the Winter Soldier and Loki’s a HYDRA guinea pig, and things are generally awful.)
Additional notes: When I say it's a direct sequel, I mean it picks up maybe 15 minutes after the previous fic ended, because originally they were both supposed to be part of the same fic. If you haven’t read the first one, please do that now (it’s shorter than this fic), or this one won’t make much sense. This fic is also 1) my first time doing marvel_bang, which was fun, so I’ll definitely do it again and 2) the longest thing I’ve ever finished. I know 26,000 words isn’t a lot compared to many writers’ word counts, but it’s exciting for me!

Many thanks to lizardbeth, who kindly beta-read this for me. If something sticks out as repetitive or kind of boring, it’s probably because I didn’t want to cut something she suggested cutting…so that part’s my fault. Also, because it’s Marvel Big Bang, this story has accompanying art by stormbrite, illustrating several scenes! It’s really cool, go check it out. Also also, neurovicky made some more fanart of the first fic, which applies for pretty much the entire first chapter of this one (and then they finally change clothes).

For Marvel Big Bang, I’m posting this in its entirety on my basically abandoned LJ and then reposting a couple chapters a week on AO3 and FFN. If you like this, please consider subscribing to me on AO3. :)

Final note: the title is from “Ending Start” by Metric. Go read the lyrics, the whole thing’s pretty relevant.

There is very little traffic this lateCollapse )

So uh, I'm trying this again

Trying to get back into LJ because I miss everyone, kind of a lot, and I've been even worse than usual lately at keeping in touch with people. I've been having more trouble with depression than I realized, so my headspace hasn't been great even though I sort of...didn't know for a long time...? But I'd really like to catch up with my flist. What's been going on in your lives? I'm going to try to stay caught up from now on, but I know I can't possibly fill myself in on everything.

Yuletide letter

I will try to put together something more specific to the fandoms I requested really soon here, but for now I'll just direct you to last year's Yuletide letter. The general stuff and links are all still accurate, as is nearly all the fandom-specific stuff listed for Echo Bazaar and Baldur's Gate, allowing for the year in between (I finished Throne of Bhaal and the first BG game quite some time ago, for instance), because I've requested those fandoms again. Otherwise, the rest of my Yuletide tag might be helpful...and I love the idea of the Misses Clause challenge, so if you can work that in logically, it would be pretty fantastic.

Tags:

...or, How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Embrace My Inner Angry Feminist. Copied from my Tumblr because I apparently keep forgetting LJ exists (uh, I haven't checked my flist in a while...) and I seem to do most of my actual blogging there and Twitter now, but this ended up being kind of extensive so here you go. (I want to get back into using LJ! Even if it's just like...a place to aggregate my tweets so I can actually find them when I want to and figure out when I did stuff! And it always seems like too much trouble for some reason! Also my paid account expired a month ago and I am down to a handful of icons, which means I really want to renew it for more icons even though I'm barely using it. Yeah.)

Right, so, somebody linked this article on Twitter:

Dogs and Smurfs; Why women writers and stories about women are taken less seriously, by Max Barry
Male is default. That’s what you learn from a world of boy dogs and Smurf stories. ... I have been told that this is a good thing for girls. “That makes girls more special,” said this person, who I wanted to punch in the face. That’s the problem. Being female should not be special. It should be normal. It is normal, in the real world. There are all kinds of girls. There are all kinds of women. You just wouldn’t think so, if you only paid attention to dogs and Smurfs.
It's longish, which is why I'm only quoting part of it, but go read it. I'll wait.

Here's what I wrote in my reblog of said article:

Fantastic article and absolutely correct. It’s also sort of funny just how recently I’ve started noticing this stuff—like, rape culture is definitely a feminist concept and I latched onto that academically more than a year ago, but I don’t think I started considering myself a feminist too until like…really recently. The last few months, maybe. Realizing I agree with a lot of this stuff when I’m also a Christian and pretty conservative (I don’t think anything’s going to change my mind on the abortion debate at this point, for instance) was kind of awkward, since there aren’t that many other people who seem to hang out in that particular cross-section of beliefs, and it’s doubly weird because I was raised very conservative and “feminist” was practically a dirty word in my family (although I think the more derogatory phrase my dad used was “women’s libbers”). Most of that, I think, was because the movement in general seemed to support values that we didn’t rather than because my dad actually thought women were inferior or something, but it was still weird to realize that hey, I actually do agree with most of this stuff, because these patterns exist and they mean something, and it’s not just people looking for things to whine about or reasons to be offended or whatever. Talking rather animatedly about some of this stuff to my dad recently was kind of fun, actually, because he agrees with the rape-culture stuff (in the context of my Tess paper and my Twilight paper, but also from what he knows about the court system, mostly from being a prosecutor) but started backpedaling as soon as I used the actual word “feminism,” so then I got to deconstruct some male and white privilege for him (“I see ads for a group for ‘young Asian professionals,’ and to be honest it makes me feel kind of left out”. Yes, straight white upper-middle-class male lawyer, you are so marginalized.), and HE WAS FORCED TO AGREE WITH ME, because that’s kind of what happens when you confront somebody with stuff that they have to have noticed but haven’t thought about critically. That’s what’s so great about just pointing out patterns, really—I’m not saying “this happens and it means that ALL MEN ARE EVIL AND SHOULD DIE” or whatever, or even “these things happen and that means men/whites/etc. are deliberately oppressing women/other races/etc.,” so I don’t have to deal with the burden of proof for this massive argument. Instead it’s more like, well…these patterns exist. Here they are. You’ve seen them too even if you haven’t had a reason to see them as patterns—and most importantly, these patterns mean something. I’m not demanding agreement with any conclusions, not really—just saying look, this is real, and it’s important. Which is pretty hard to argue with, really.

So yeah, that was fun, especially because it’s basically impossible to change his mind about things and I’ve rarely been able to make him see another side of any debate—I don’t know if he loves playing devil’s advocate in general or it’s ingrained from being a lawyer or what, but having an actual debate about something is usually really difficult, and I’m used to giving up because trying to convince him of something he’s not already convinced of (or that he actually disagrees with) is usually pointless. And either I actually did (because, again: you can’t really argue with it when you’re confronted with reality) or I was animated enough about it that he gave up, so either way it was kind of nice.

Especially since, uh, he’s actually a large part of the reason I’m a feminist now—it was this neat little coincidence over the past year or so of getting into gaming, expanding my academic knowledge, and my own personal daddy issues that finally made me realize oh hey, I’ve been agreeing with some of this for a while, and taking more pride in my identity as a gamer girl (male privilege is even more blatant in the gaming fandom and industry than in the world at large, so that’s partly how I came at a lot of this) and then as a woman in general, and also taking pride in not needing a man to do stuff for me (even little things like climbing up on a chair to change the lightbulbs above the dining-room table, or filling up my oil tank, or replacing the screens in the windows, at least the last of which we were waiting for my dad to do until I said screw it, I can do this, we don’t need a man, and I did), and actually I agree with even more of it than I thought I did (hello, male privilege!), and seeing very close-to-home examples like how my mom is getting totally screwed over with this divorce business since she had no reason to think she’d need a career until just a couple years ago and now she’s getting dumped by the successful male lawyer who previously provided all the family’s income, and…hm, feminist thought is an accurate representation of the reality in which I live, and I guess that means I’m a feminist. Funny how that works.

Of course, some of this seems to be a function of delayed-onset adolescent rebellion, or something—for whatever reason (partly my desperate need to please people and not cause conflict, I’m sure), I didn’t feel a need to engage in much of that when I was a teenager or define myself in opposition to my parents, and now my academic studies, introduction to gaming, and the anger and heartache of a former daddy’s girl have combined with a sudden desire to say to my dad, I am not you: I do not define myself by you and your supposed values, I no longer get my ideas of right and wrong from you, I do not believe things just because you raised me to assume those ideas were right, I am not the person you think you raised, and in fact I am beginning to define myself by the ways in which I am not like you, because you are no longer someone I automatically want to emulate.

So. Yeah.

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