Log in

Title: all this that is more than a wish is a memory
Author name: 100indecisions on AO3
Characters/Pairing: Loki & Steve Rogers, very gradually working in a Steve/Loki direction
Fandom/Universe: MCU
Rating: R for violence
Word count: ~26,000
Warnings: Violence and resulting injuries, medical experimentation/torture, suicidal thoughts, dehumanization (these are the main ones, but each chapter will have additional warnings when relevant)
Summary: Direct sequel to let me see you stripped down to the bone, in which the soldier with the star-spangled shield became a weapon for the other side, and decades later, the false prince fell from the sky and became their experiment. The soldier and the prince were never supposed to meet—but they did, and together they escaped from HYDRA. This is what happens next. (Or, the AU where Steve is the Winter Soldier and Loki’s a HYDRA guinea pig, and things are generally awful.)

Loki lies still, too full of sick exhaustion to sleepCollapse )
Title: all this that is more than a wish is a memory
Author name: 100indecisions on AO3
Beta name: lizardbeth_j on LJ, lizardbeth on AO3
Characters/Pairing: Loki & Steve Rogers, very gradually working in a Steve/Loki direction
Fandom/Universe: MCU
Rating: R for violence
Word count: ~26,000
Warnings: Violence and resulting injuries, medical experimentation/torture, suicidal thoughts, dehumanization (these are the main ones, but each chapter will have additional warnings when relevant)
Summary: Direct sequel to let me see you stripped down to the bone, in which the soldier with the star-spangled shield became a weapon for the other side, and decades later, the false prince fell from the sky and became their experiment. The soldier and the prince were never supposed to meet—but they did, and together they escaped from HYDRA. This is what happens next. (Or, the AU where Steve is the Winter Soldier and Loki’s a HYDRA guinea pig, and things are generally awful.)
Additional notes: When I say it's a direct sequel, I mean it picks up maybe 15 minutes after the previous fic ended, because originally they were both supposed to be part of the same fic. If you haven’t read the first one, please do that now (it’s shorter than this fic), or this one won’t make much sense. This fic is also 1) my first time doing marvel_bang, which was fun, so I’ll definitely do it again and 2) the longest thing I’ve ever finished. I know 26,000 words isn’t a lot compared to many writers’ word counts, but it’s exciting for me!

Many thanks to lizardbeth, who kindly beta-read this for me. If something sticks out as repetitive or kind of boring, it’s probably because I didn’t want to cut something she suggested cutting…so that part’s my fault. Also, because it’s Marvel Big Bang, this story has accompanying art by stormbrite, illustrating several scenes! It’s really cool, go check it out. Also also, neurovicky made some more fanart of the first fic, which applies for pretty much the entire first chapter of this one (and then they finally change clothes).

For Marvel Big Bang, I’m posting this in its entirety on my basically abandoned LJ and then reposting a couple chapters a week on AO3 and FFN. If you like this, please consider subscribing to me on AO3. :)

Final note: the title is from “Ending Start” by Metric. Go read the lyrics, the whole thing’s pretty relevant.

There is very little traffic this lateCollapse )

So uh, I'm trying this again

Trying to get back into LJ because I miss everyone, kind of a lot, and I've been even worse than usual lately at keeping in touch with people. I've been having more trouble with depression than I realized, so my headspace hasn't been great even though I sort of...didn't know for a long time...? But I'd really like to catch up with my flist. What's been going on in your lives? I'm going to try to stay caught up from now on, but I know I can't possibly fill myself in on everything.

Yuletide letter

I will try to put together something more specific to the fandoms I requested really soon here, but for now I'll just direct you to last year's Yuletide letter. The general stuff and links are all still accurate, as is nearly all the fandom-specific stuff listed for Echo Bazaar and Baldur's Gate, allowing for the year in between (I finished Throne of Bhaal and the first BG game quite some time ago, for instance), because I've requested those fandoms again. Otherwise, the rest of my Yuletide tag might be helpful...and I love the idea of the Misses Clause challenge, so if you can work that in logically, it would be pretty fantastic.


...or, How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Embrace My Inner Angry Feminist. Copied from my Tumblr because I apparently keep forgetting LJ exists (uh, I haven't checked my flist in a while...) and I seem to do most of my actual blogging there and Twitter now, but this ended up being kind of extensive so here you go. (I want to get back into using LJ! Even if it's just like...a place to aggregate my tweets so I can actually find them when I want to and figure out when I did stuff! And it always seems like too much trouble for some reason! Also my paid account expired a month ago and I am down to a handful of icons, which means I really want to renew it for more icons even though I'm barely using it. Yeah.)

Right, so, somebody linked this article on Twitter:

Dogs and Smurfs; Why women writers and stories about women are taken less seriously, by Max Barry
Male is default. That’s what you learn from a world of boy dogs and Smurf stories. ... I have been told that this is a good thing for girls. “That makes girls more special,” said this person, who I wanted to punch in the face. That’s the problem. Being female should not be special. It should be normal. It is normal, in the real world. There are all kinds of girls. There are all kinds of women. You just wouldn’t think so, if you only paid attention to dogs and Smurfs.
It's longish, which is why I'm only quoting part of it, but go read it. I'll wait.

Here's what I wrote in my reblog of said article:

Fantastic article and absolutely correct. It’s also sort of funny just how recently I’ve started noticing this stuff—like, rape culture is definitely a feminist concept and I latched onto that academically more than a year ago, but I don’t think I started considering myself a feminist too until like…really recently. The last few months, maybe. Realizing I agree with a lot of this stuff when I’m also a Christian and pretty conservative (I don’t think anything’s going to change my mind on the abortion debate at this point, for instance) was kind of awkward, since there aren’t that many other people who seem to hang out in that particular cross-section of beliefs, and it’s doubly weird because I was raised very conservative and “feminist” was practically a dirty word in my family (although I think the more derogatory phrase my dad used was “women’s libbers”). Most of that, I think, was because the movement in general seemed to support values that we didn’t rather than because my dad actually thought women were inferior or something, but it was still weird to realize that hey, I actually do agree with most of this stuff, because these patterns exist and they mean something, and it’s not just people looking for things to whine about or reasons to be offended or whatever. Talking rather animatedly about some of this stuff to my dad recently was kind of fun, actually, because he agrees with the rape-culture stuff (in the context of my Tess paper and my Twilight paper, but also from what he knows about the court system, mostly from being a prosecutor) but started backpedaling as soon as I used the actual word “feminism,” so then I got to deconstruct some male and white privilege for him (“I see ads for a group for ‘young Asian professionals,’ and to be honest it makes me feel kind of left out”. Yes, straight white upper-middle-class male lawyer, you are so marginalized.), and HE WAS FORCED TO AGREE WITH ME, because that’s kind of what happens when you confront somebody with stuff that they have to have noticed but haven’t thought about critically. That’s what’s so great about just pointing out patterns, really—I’m not saying “this happens and it means that ALL MEN ARE EVIL AND SHOULD DIE” or whatever, or even “these things happen and that means men/whites/etc. are deliberately oppressing women/other races/etc.,” so I don’t have to deal with the burden of proof for this massive argument. Instead it’s more like, well…these patterns exist. Here they are. You’ve seen them too even if you haven’t had a reason to see them as patterns—and most importantly, these patterns mean something. I’m not demanding agreement with any conclusions, not really—just saying look, this is real, and it’s important. Which is pretty hard to argue with, really.

So yeah, that was fun, especially because it’s basically impossible to change his mind about things and I’ve rarely been able to make him see another side of any debate—I don’t know if he loves playing devil’s advocate in general or it’s ingrained from being a lawyer or what, but having an actual debate about something is usually really difficult, and I’m used to giving up because trying to convince him of something he’s not already convinced of (or that he actually disagrees with) is usually pointless. And either I actually did (because, again: you can’t really argue with it when you’re confronted with reality) or I was animated enough about it that he gave up, so either way it was kind of nice.

Especially since, uh, he’s actually a large part of the reason I’m a feminist now—it was this neat little coincidence over the past year or so of getting into gaming, expanding my academic knowledge, and my own personal daddy issues that finally made me realize oh hey, I’ve been agreeing with some of this for a while, and taking more pride in my identity as a gamer girl (male privilege is even more blatant in the gaming fandom and industry than in the world at large, so that’s partly how I came at a lot of this) and then as a woman in general, and also taking pride in not needing a man to do stuff for me (even little things like climbing up on a chair to change the lightbulbs above the dining-room table, or filling up my oil tank, or replacing the screens in the windows, at least the last of which we were waiting for my dad to do until I said screw it, I can do this, we don’t need a man, and I did), and actually I agree with even more of it than I thought I did (hello, male privilege!), and seeing very close-to-home examples like how my mom is getting totally screwed over with this divorce business since she had no reason to think she’d need a career until just a couple years ago and now she’s getting dumped by the successful male lawyer who previously provided all the family’s income, and…hm, feminist thought is an accurate representation of the reality in which I live, and I guess that means I’m a feminist. Funny how that works.

Of course, some of this seems to be a function of delayed-onset adolescent rebellion, or something—for whatever reason (partly my desperate need to please people and not cause conflict, I’m sure), I didn’t feel a need to engage in much of that when I was a teenager or define myself in opposition to my parents, and now my academic studies, introduction to gaming, and the anger and heartache of a former daddy’s girl have combined with a sudden desire to say to my dad, I am not you: I do not define myself by you and your supposed values, I no longer get my ideas of right and wrong from you, I do not believe things just because you raised me to assume those ideas were right, I am not the person you think you raised, and in fact I am beginning to define myself by the ways in which I am not like you, because you are no longer someone I automatically want to emulate.

So. Yeah.


You know, for Yuletide? And so far the only person who's commented is still the recipient? Even though a couple other people gave it kudos and it's somehow had 100+ hits? And I said I was going to write more and then I did because it's what I was working on for my "okay, my New Year's resolution is that I'll work on some fiction that I actually enjoy, at least in theory, for 10 minutes a day"?

Today I finally finished typing it all up and posted the additions, which ended up being two additional chapters on AO3 (and ff.net, when I cross-posted there) or 6,000+ words. That's a lot of writing, you guys. Especially considering it's been ages since I've, you know, actually finished something, let alone finished something that attempted to have a plot. (Funny thing--I think this is the longest fic I've actually finished, and it's...for a fandom I've never written before.) Cross-posting at theturningworld also took approximately forever, mostly because those also had to be in multiple parts.

OKAY LOOK WHAT I AM SAYING IS this fic took a long time (well, a lot of actual writing-time--as "total time from beginning to end on a fic" goes, this was...probably one of my shortest? Even though it has the longest word count? That's...embarrassing) and I put a decent amount of work/effort into it and, you know, Baldur's Gate has a very active modding community but not much in the way of an active fandom that I can tell--there are four whole communities for it here on LJ, two of which are Russian and one of which hasn't had a post since 2004 (the remaining one was Feb. 2010), and there are probably other places I can post it but I'm not totally sure where yet since I've never done a fic for a game fandom before...so basically it's not really being read or at the very least pretty much no one's commenting. Which is sad.

So...it would be really really nice if some of you guys could check it out? Obviously it helps if you've played either of the games, because I do use a lot of characters, items, and places from canon, but honestly you'll be pretty good with just what you can learn from Wikipedia about the first game or even just basic knowledge of how adventuring-party fantasy-RPG works. Or just take it as straight fantasy, for that matter, most of the canon stuff I refer to is fairly self-explanatory in context. Probably. There are girls being awesome! And angst! And sisterly family-that-you-make cuteness! And okay, I'm finding a number of communities that would probably be okay for cross-posting so I'll maybe get just a few more comments, but...BUT STILL. I WANT YOU GUYS TO READ THE STUFF I WRITE. PRETTY PLEASE? YOU CAN READ IT ON AO3 OR theturningworld OR FF.NET, WHICHEVER YOU LIKE BEST. Okay I am turning off the capslock now.

...but I don't wanna go back to school

Yeah, so, the spring term begins tomorrow and I am not remotely ready. Copying from an e-mail to family because it's the only way I make substantive updates anymore:

My rhetoric class starts tomorrow, which I'm not looking forward to because for some reason anything composition/rhetoric just doesn't work with my brain, plus my 10 a.m. aerobic kickboxing class (the only way I'm certain to get regular, decent exercise). Also the first class I'm teaching, ugh. This wouldn't be so bad except 75% of my "omg must get this done during the break" list is still...not done. Not really sure what the arrangements will be for my thesis or an independent study class either, which I need to work out with my adviser. So among other things I really, really need to revise my syllabus (tougher, more specific attendance policy, for one thing, because having like 8 people in class for the last quarter of the term does not make me happy), print up a class roster, and set up Blackboard by class time.

This wouldn't be a problem except first I have to finish this late paper...from the spring term last year...where the professor let me get an incomplete and I was supposed to get everything done over the semester...and I did except for the seminar paper, which...is what I'm still  working on now...which I really hope he'll give me a grade for even though it's stupidly late, because otherwise I'll have to retake that class starting Wednesday and that'll mess up my scheduling if I want to graduate on time (I need to get 9 new credits this term, see, so if 3 of them are repeat, I'll have to get credit instead of money for my DCS work or something to make up for it, which financially would not be great). All because of one paper, yes. Because I have issues, and depression isn't fun, and writing this specific paper has been only slightly less difficult than pulling teeth. So there's that. I've been at my friend Calli's house most of the week, alternating  between video games (she plays and I watch, for the most part, which...is a pretty good way to experience a game if you not good at it yourself) and trying to beat academic words out of my brain. I miss Scully but I've been getting some stuff done, so. Also she's writing a Dungeons & Dragons campaign so I'll be doing some actual tabletop RPG stuff this term? You know, because I really needed that +10 to my nerdiness stat? Whatever, I REGRET NOTHING. Not the nerdiness, anyway.

The other problem is that this semester is likely to be CRAZY and my ability to deal with it is no less crippled than it's been for the past couple years and more, so...I need to figure out ways to stay on top of things more than I have before, but I can only do that if I can somehow make it not overwhelming, and even the planning involved in theoretically making it not overwhelming is...overwhelming. So that's cool. (Basically this post sums up my ENTIRE LIFE. It's sad.)

Oh right, and one of my major goals for break was to research and apply for some library schools, which didn't happen because I had other priorities I was putting off, so I think I've mostly decided--partly by default since deadlines are coming up but also because it's probably the right decision--to hold off on more school until at least next spring rather than next fall. I'll have been in postsecondary education for six years straight once I finish my master's in English, and I'm just really, really tired of being in school. Figure I'll fill in with jobs from the temp agency I worked through this summer to fill in since I wouldn't be planning to commit to anything indefinitely.

I'm expecting little in the way of replies except my sister saying on Facebook or in person "Good LORD you ramble, I couldn't get through that and no one else did, and omg D&D you are so embarrassing," but...whatever. One of the few things I actually like about myself is that I don't try to present myself as something I'm not, and let's face it, I am rambly and VERY, VERY NERDY.

Oh, and then I posted  this on Tumblr, which I will also paste here because...why not, maybe someone will have a helpful idea:

So here is my problem, internet: I can accomplish things without stress and panic if they are not overwhelming. I’ve made something of a New Year’s resolution to write at least 10 minutes of fiction a day, and I’ve been keeping up with that so far, making good progress in a fic. This way I can always have some kind of creative project going that I actually enjoy. I’ve also resolved to grade two tests/papers a day starting the day I get them back, which is also not overwhelming but will get the grading done faster and easier than the idiotic keep-putting-it-off-and-grade-everything-in-a-panic-after-like-a-month thing I’ve been doing.

So, okay. Maybe I will manage to keep up with class reading and progress on my thesis and stuff if I can make the tasks small and concrete enough to not be overwhelming. Problem is….the planning involved in making huge things not overwhelming is itself overwhelming. Even thinking about what I’d need to do to get to that point is also overwhelming. >_<

So. Uh. Any advice?

So yeah, I wrote a Yuletide story

Only one, despite intentions of writing treats and/or participating in Yuletide Madness. Well--I had to get class work and grading done first, and then there wasn't a lot of time left, so...NYR, maybe. Or next year. And it was my first Yuletide, after all.

In any case, I wrote the Baldur's Gate fic "what we have is enough" for blueinkedpalm; I intended to go further with established canon so Skie could deal with her father's death but didn't quite have time to do that, so at this point I'm still planning to add a second chapter or something to the same effect. I probably won't repost it at theturningworld or ff.net until I've done that, although it shouldn't take me too long.

My assignment had three different fandoms, naturally, but Baldur's Gate was the only one with which I had any familiarity...and that only from having finished Shadows of Amn and most of Throne of Bhaal, so I may have panicked a little when I saw that blueinkedpalm preferred a story set in the first game, focusing on characters I hadn't actually met. Of course, if you've followed my witterings on Twitter about this game in general, you know that this was really a good thing since I suddenly had a fairly legitimate excuse to spend even more time playing BGI than I might have otherwise. Getting enough of a handle on Skie, Eldoth, and Dynaheir to write them was a little tricky since I hadn't played them before and, thanks to the nature of the first Baldur's Gate game, it's hard to get a feel for most of the NPCs as three-dimensional characters. (The mods I used helped a lot, of course--without that there wouldn't have been much of...anything.)

I ended up playing out a number of different scenarios with Skie and Eldoth to see how they'd react in different circumstances, and the fic I ended up writing certainly wasn't perfect, but I'm fairly satisfied with it. (I'll be more satisfied once I extend it, but I think it's decent as is.) It won't make as much sense if you aren't familiar with the Baldur's Gate universe, obviously, but it should still be readable as long as you know that it's a fairly basic fantasy-adventure RPG game, and you have a party and you go around killing things and gradually getting richer. More or less. It may also be worth noting that 1) Minsc is my FAVORITE but I'm not sure how to write him exactly, and the exchange described actually came from some dialogue in the modded game, and 2) the scene where Imoen shoots Skie with an Arrow of Dispelling was the first one I thought of. Actually I wanted to write that even before I had any idea what else I'd be doing, because...I don't know, I just really liked that situation.

I've also been meaning to do a reccs post and had some copied in from my bookmarks, I just...haven't had time to write about why, exactly, said fics are awesome? Also I still haven't read anywhere near as my Yuletide fics as I mean to, so my reccs would pretty much be "hey, here's everything I actually read and bookmarked". So that'll happen...later, I guess.

Oh hey, it's a wish list

Because...I never update unless I can paste in something I've already written? Which I can because I sent this out to family yesterday? Only my timing is really stupid because it's like 6 days until my birthday and 17 until Christmas? (...I should really start mailing packages.)

So I'm not totally sure what the point is of posting this here, but...you know, just in case...anyone wants to know the kinds of things I'm lusting after...? Although if you follow me on Tumblr you probably have a pretty good idea already. Alternately, you can just view it as a "HAY GUYS LOOK IT'S COOL STUFF WHAT I WANT AND I BET YOU DO TOO, LET US LUST AFTER IT TOGETHER".

Long list with links, and also rambling. Pasted directly from the e-mail because I'm lazy.Collapse )

Things I would also love that don't cost money:
  • Well, knitting me an Alot would cost some time and money, but...it's crafting, so...
  • If anybody made fanart for anything I've written (or for any of the fandoms/ships I love, in general), I would possibly die of delight. Especially if it was fanart for any of my original fiction. Especially Thieves' Honor.
  • Fic, natch. You all probably have a pretty good idea of the kinds of things I like, although more specifically, I would also really love:
    • any of my Yuletide prompts, since obviously I'm only guaranteed to get one
    • fic for other small fandoms that I didn't request for Yuletide, like Firebird or Shaun Tan's The Arrival or...actually I can't think of any others offhand.
    • crossovers of Doctor Who with...just about anything, but I really really want to see the TARDIS land on the Satellite of Love. It would be epic. (Also I'd love to see the TARDIS landing in Aperture Labs shortly after the events of the first game because, you know, scary sentient computer who is Still Alive, someone should do something about that. Which might mean ignoring canon established by the new ending sequence and what we know so far about Portal 2, but I'm okay with that. Also I would love to see GLaDOS interacting with River Tam. I have no idea how that could possibly work but I suspect it would be awesome.)
    • also if you wanted to make a story out of anything tagged "holding stories inside" on Tumblr, that would cool. Uh, except that's basically everything. The ones I really want stories for are tagged "so many stories here" and there aren't as many of those. Also there's my "basically I love everything about this picture" tag which often overlaps.
  • FANMIXES. Basically same as everything I said about fanart. Or, you know, even just a "hey here's some music you might like!"

Dear Santa

I've never done Yuletide before, which...may be readily apparent from my sign-up? I don't know. So probably this is going to be more long and rambly than is likely helpful, because I keep thinking of more things to add, so...uh, sorry about that?

In general, stuff I like: crossovers (Doctor Who can fit into anything, basically); girls being awesome (especially with magic); girl friendships; any kind of longstanding, extremely comfortable and loving relationship, either platonic or romantic, where the people involved really, truly know each other and feel equally okay with sharing painful secrets and good-naturedly teasing each other; worldbuilding, I am such a sucker for awesome worldbuilding, which is one of my favorite things about any fandom, so if you choose to write a fandom that's already got a pretty richly developed world and you can expand on that or make it come alive in ways the original canon doesn't, I will be thrilled; psionics in general because telepathy and telekinesis are just cool; surreal dream sequences; experimental, meta-y things that play with textuality and the power of story or just with stylistic stuff; awesome poetry, like that of Eliot or Edna St. Vincent Millay or somebody, being Important somehow because I heart it; cities in general and urban fantasy and the sort of magic that exists there just by virtue of all this human history and stories packed into one place, and places that are beautiful in their ugliness and grittiness, and decaying abandoned buildings, and the juxtaposition of modern and ancient that takes place in really old cities, and old buildings still being used and awesome little alleys and courtyards and cobblestone streets and...things. Small vignetty fics? Fics with actual Plot (harder in this setting, probably, so don't sweat it)? Both awesome. Develop characters that were underdeveloped in canon? Expand on tantalizing hints we already got? Also awesome. I'm generally happy with genfic--family relationships, whether biological or of the family-we-make type, and friendships seem to be underexplored in fandom--but I do have my favorite pairings, which are always canonical. Angst can be fun if it's not too over-the-top. AU is cool if it's labeled that way--I tend to prefer canon-compliance, although with the actual fandoms I've requested, I guess it's not so much a canon/text as much as a world or premise, so...go wild, seriously. I'm very much into spec-fiction in general, for what that's worth. I love steampunk, urban/contemporary fantasy, science fantasy (don't care for the term "space opera," but I'm not very sciencey either, so I'm not as good with hard SF), some horror. But honestly, I'm quite likely to be happy with almost anything, because...small/rare/nearly nonexistent fandoms! A fic written just for me! That's plenty enough to make me thrilled. (I could also just link to faeriemaiden's Yuletide letter and say "What she said, pretty much, but with different fandoms.") My Tumblr is also a good source for Stuff I Like in general (as is the Tumblr for a novel I'm kind of working on, at least as far as city-aesthetic goes). Also relevant may be theturningworld, my writing journal, and/or my pages at ff.net and AO3, both of which have a lot of favorites bookmarked.

Stuff I don't like: Smut, PWP, explicit sex, whatever you want to call it...I know this makes me an oddity in fandom, but I tend to find it awkward and voyeuristic rather than sexy. Sex itself is fine, I'm just really not that interested in explicit stuff--so, PG-13-level or lower, I suppose. Same goes for kinks--a little is fine, but again, nothing super explicit, please...and if it's too far off mainstream (humiliation, "water sports," dub-con/non-con presented as romantic, that sort of thing), I'm probably gonna be pretty squicked out. Generally prefer gen or het. Otherwise: character-bashing (I mean, unless it's a canonically bad character or something), general meanspiritedness, really excessive gore or language, racism, sexism, anti-religious stuff (I'm a Christian, so...), infidelity...I don't know, stuff that's just gross and/or uncomfortable? Generally speaking I'm happy with almost anything, so yeah.

Cut for fandom-specific stuff in unedited, incoherent notes that I need to fixCollapse )


Latest Month

November 2016


RSS Atom
Powered by LiveJournal.com
Designed by Katy Towell